Was Once Suicidal

Not exactly what you were thinking. No, I didn't cut my wrist nor run into a busy street and be knock down by a car nor jump from a tall building. One night I just wish that when I fall asleep I will never wake up again.

It happened many years ago when I was only a teen. Teens, oh yes, the most vulnerable period of time, where one can easily get upset and agitated. Maybe due to lack of life experiences.

I could still remembered that day clearly. I was having a severe asthma attack and had just visited the doctor. Not sure why but those days I was never given an inhaler, either it was not available in Malaysia then or it is very expensive. So I took pills and pills need time to work.

I was in bed, in my room trying to calm myself down and wait for the pills to help me breath normal again. I was no longer gasping for air but breathing was still difficult. I can't be happy, sad, excited etc so I stay calm and think of nothing but concentrate on my breathing. Grandma was by my side.

Then mom came home from work. We could hear her open the front door and as she walk passed my room, granny called out to her and told her that I had another asthma attack. She just said "Mmmm" and went straight to her room. No hugs or comfort words at all as if it was just another ordinary day and asthma was just another word.

That moment I felt the whole world came crushing down. By then granny had left the room. I cried myself to sleep. The more I cried the more difficult I breath and I felt like it is going to be my last breath and I try to make myself sleep and wish that I will never ever wake up again. Already lack father's love and now mom's too. Felt like I am nobody's child.

The next morning the minute I open my eyes, granny was by my side asking me if I feel any better and if I need anything. Suddenly I realize I still have granny who loved me very much. Oh how silly of me the night before. I had never told anyone about this till now.

As I grow older I realize that not that mom doesn't love us, just that she doesn't know how to show it. I always kept this tale in my head to remind myself that when I become a mom, I have to be more sensitive about stuffs like this.

So when my sons were young I would give them lots of hugs and kisses and to my surprises my mom gave my son hugs and kisses too when ever she is around them. Children can't read our mind if we don't show them how we feel.

Thanks for reading and hope you learn a thing or two from this tale. Lots and lots of hugs and kisses to your children. Happy parenting.