Lazy Workers ( funny tales )

The boss sneaked up on the lazy storekeeper in the warehouse.

"Why aren't you busy working?" he demanded.

"Cos I didn't see you coming." said the storekeeper.

Gets To Be A Habit

A worker who was being paid by the week, approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is $200 less than what we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you $200, and you never complained."

"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Success Formula

Be nice to people until you make a million. After that, people will be nice to you.

Just for laughs and thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy reading it.

Good Wife (funny tale)

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kindhearted?"

God responded, "So you could love her, My son."

"Why did you make her so good-looking?"

So you could love her, My son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, My son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, My son."

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" A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answer that your wife can give you for free."

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Just for laugh! Enjoy!

Incompatibility (funny tale)

Edward : Jame's wife is suing him for divorce

David : How come?

Edward : Incompatibility

David : How in the world did she catch him doing that?

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Court Humour

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and he had a beard.

Q: Was he male or female?

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

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Thanks for reading and hope this is good enough for you to laugh out loud.

Fax (joke)

This really did happen to me. It was during my second job. I just started working a few weeks, I was a clerk then. My lady supervisor, a local university graduate, had been working there for almost a year. Since she was a graduate, she joined the company as a supervisor and had never knew what a clerk does. Neither does she knows how to operate the photocopy machine, fax machine etc.

One day she asked me to fax something over to a branch office. Before I start faxing, she ran back to me and said, "Please make a photocopy before you fax, this is the only copy I have"

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Insecticide

Mary went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for beetles?" she asked a clerk. "No," he replied, "It will kill them."

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How was your day

Sam was waiting in line at the cafeteria of the hospital where he works and he overheard a doctor ask an anaesthetist how his day was. "Good," came the response. "Everyone's woken up so far."

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Just for laughs! Enjoy!

Peanuts anyone? (funny)

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts.She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again .... he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself.' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

It pays to be careful around old people!!!

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Just for laugh! Thanks for reading. Enjoy.

Chicken sandwich (funny tale)

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it. 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she showed him..

He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!She said 'Oh, my Gosh, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!


Just for laughs. Thanks for reading and hope you like it.

What Time Is It (funny tale)

Exhausted after driving all night, a man decided to pull over to get some sleep. He had just settled back to snooze when there was a knock on the window. He opened his eyes to a jogger, who asked, "Excuse me, but do you have the time?." " It's 8:10.""Thanks," he replied, running off. The man had just dozed off again when there was another knock. "What time is it?" asked a hiker. "8:25."

Fed up, the man put a sign in his window that read "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!" Knock, knock! He was suddenly awakened again. Scowling, the man rolled down the window. "What?" he yelled at the boy standing there. "It's 8:45."

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Pull The Plug

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room. He says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she gets up and unplug the TV.

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Just for laughs. Hope you love it.

Cow jokes

Mad Cow Disease

A man and his wife went to a "SteakHouse" for dinner.
Waiter : What would you like to have?
Husband : I'll take a beef steak.
Waiter : Sir, what about the mad cow....?
Husband : She will order for herself!

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Herd of Cows

"Look at that bunch of cows."
"Not bunch! Herd of cows!"
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure I've heard of cows."
"No! A cow herd."
"Why should I care what a cow heard? I've got no secrets from a cow."

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Just for laughs and thanks for reading.

Doctor jokes

Stop My Hands From Shaking

"Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me. I just can't stop my hands shaking"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really. I spill most of it"


Seeing Spots

"Doctor!" complained the patient, "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
The physician scrated his head. "Why have you come to me? Have you seen the opthalmologist?"
"No," replied the patient. "Just spots."

Stop the drum

Lee : My doctor said if I don't give up playing the drums, I'll be dead before the month is over.
Mia : My goodness! Why is that?
Lee : Because he's my downstairs' neighbor.


Just for laughs, thanks for reading and enjoy.

Funny but true facts

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If your plan is having no plans, do you have a plan?

If anything is possible, then is it possible that nothing is possible?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why do doctors call what they do "practice"? Isn't that frightening?

If there was a "Knowledge" contest, would the female winner be crowned Miss Informed?


Just for laughs. Found these in a joke book. Thanks for reading and hope you have a good laugh and lots to think about.

Man with 3 dogs (funny tale)

A woman in an expensive, meticulously maintained car is driving down a country road. Suddenly she sees a man running hard with three huge dogs snapping at his heels. She is troubled by the fact that this sweaty person will sully her upholstery, but she accepts that she has to rescue him. She pulls over and shouts, "Get in!"

"You're very kind," gasps the man, jumping in. "Most people would not offer me a lift when they see I have three dogs."

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Wrong suit

An elderly lady visits her recently deceased husband at the funeral parlour. "I see he's wearing a black suit," she tells the undertaker. "His dying wish was to wear a blue suit."

The undertaker says he'll see what he can do. The next day, when the woman returns, her husband is wearing a blue suit. "Where did you get it?" she asks.

"After you left, a man about your husband's size was bought in," the undertaker says. "He was wearing a blue suit, but the wife wanted him buried in black. After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads."
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Just for laugh! Thanks for reading.

I can't see (jokes)

The teenage boy seemed placid as I approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting. I walked over and introduced myself to the boy. He looked right trough me and started screaming: "I can't see! I can't see!"

I had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness. "How long has this been going on?" I asked his mother. Without looking up she replied, "Ever since you stepped in front of his television."

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Dog Training

I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barrelled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.

"How does this work?" she asked, handling me a cheque. "Do I just have him watch this?"

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Just for laughs! Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Karaoke - jokes

Grandson : Grandpa! What does "karaoke" mean?
Grandpa : "Karaoke" is a combination of people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing!.

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Family Tree

Two guys were discussing their family trees. The first said "Too bad you couldn't choose your ancestors."

The other smiled and replied, "Listen, chances are they wouldn't have chosen you either."

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Yes, I Remember

When my 3-year old son opened the bithday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not pleased. I turned to my mum and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mum smiled and then replied, "YES! I REMEMBER!"

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The 3rd joke was meant for Mr Stupid. Bear in mind, your parents and aunts could retaliate later for all those mischievous stun you did when you were young. Ha ha ha. Just for laughs and thanks for reading.

MEMOIRS OF IMH (Institute of Mental Hospital)

Record I

A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm…that's normal...so if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen then?"
Patient: "I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off..."

Record II

A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. She got curious and went to take a peek. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"
Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't received the letter, how would I know??"

Record III

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him and said "can't even fix such a simple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that".

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Momento - Jokes

Sam : Sue, do you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of yours?
Sue : Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair.
Sam : But your husband is still alive.
Sue : I know, but his hair is gone.

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Inheritance

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Michael finally confronted her. "Admit it, Lucy," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me one million dollar."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left it with you."

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Late One Night

A man comes home late one night.
"Where were you?" asks his wife.
"A ... a ... alone ..." he mutters.
"OK, so who were you alone with?" retorts his wife

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Just for laugh, hope you have a good laugh and thanks for reading.

Train your dog - joke

One day, Sam answered his doorbell and greeted his friend Eric who walked in followed by a very large dog. The dog immediately jumped up on the sofa with his muddy feet and proceed to knock over a lamp and chew on the cushions.

The outraged householder began to scold his friend Sam. "Don't you think you should train your dog a little better?"

"My dog?" exclaimed a surprised Sam . "I thought it was your dog!"

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Pet Shop

Mr Ng walks into a pet shop and asks the shop assistant, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?"
The shop assistant replies, "I don't think so, sir. But we have birds that go cheep; our dogs go bow-wow!"

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Difference Between a Bird and a Fly

Question : What's the difference between a bird and a fly?

Answer : A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.

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Just for laughs, hope you enjoy reading it and thanks for reading.

Doctor Uses Four-letter Word

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery," He answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!" the man retorted.



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Does it bite.

Sam : Hey Peter, want to come over my house to play, today after school? I just got a dog.

Peter : Does it bite.

Sam: I'm not sure. That's why I want you to come over to find out.


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Just for laughs. Have a happy week ahead.

More Jokes To Brighten Up Your Day

Are You Married?
Question: Are you married?
Answer : No! I'm divorced.
Question: And what did your husband do before you divorce him?
Answer : A lot of things I didn't know about.



Why Don't You Do That?
Mr. and Mrs. Chan notice the young man staying next door to them kisses his wife every morning as he leaves for his office.
"Why don't you do that?" Mrs. Chan says to Mr. Chan.
"Darling," he replies, "I don't even know the woman!"



Valentine's Day
Florist : Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Won't you buy a rose for the sweet lady you love?
Gentleman : That would not be nice! I am a married man!



Just for laughs. Hope you enjoy those jokes as much as I do.

Indian Roulette

You have all heard of Russian roulette. But how many of you have heard of Indian roulette? Well, you are given a flute and six large deadly cobras, and one of the cobras is deaf.

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Lost Her Temper

Big sister Kelly felt a bit flabby around her waist from lack of exercise. She tried jogging and eating less to get rid of the impending bulge, but it didn't work. Auntie Teresa advised her to go on a strict diet. As she began her diet programme, we noticed that the programme did finally help her lose something - her temper!

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How To Diet

If you are thin, don't eat fast.

If you are fat, don't eat - FAST!


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Just for laughs. Have a nice day.

Workshop

Sam's old jalopy was making a lot of irritating notices on the engine. He sent it to the roadside workshop. The foreman took a look at it and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk, and then gave it a tight kick and the noise stopped immediately. He handed Sam a bill for $200.00. Sam felt the bill was atrocious for a quick job like that, so Sam demanded an itemized account of his charges. The foreman went back to his office and this is what he wrote: One chalk mark:$1.00. Knowing where to mark "X":$199.00.


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When I am Driving

Driving to a new restaurant in Kuala Lumpur, Ah Ling took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"

"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you are going when I'm driving."



Just for laughs. Enjoy a good laugh and thanks for reading.